Tonight I sit here swallowed in silence but surrounded by music …. Bells dinging, pumps humming, alarms ringing, babies crying, chatter at different tones and pitches. I sit here in the isolated songs filled with such diverse emotions.
There have been two MET (medical emergency team) calls in the past hour, both oncology patients, one on a different ward and one across the passage, a three year old boy.
I had been filled with some relief and a hesitated excitement today, Dylan is so close to finishing his chemotherapy, by this evening he was feeling a little bit better and the rainbow of recovery is almost fully insight. These MET calls have shaken me, rattled some of my foundations and left me feeling a little bit raw. This journey is really ruthless, the suffering these children endure is honestly heartbreaking, they are stripped of their dignity and Independence and left like a blank canvas ready to be transformed. Poked and prodded, scarred and bruised and so many more hidden wounds.
No loss of limbs, no ICU visits, no MET calls, no financial burdens, no terminal prognosis …. We have had it easy. Successful surgery, treatments available, small financial loss, support, no life threatening side effects and good follow up test results so far. So many of these children and the families here travel with such heavy burdens, some for so very long and totally gut wrenching. Yes we have had it easy, we are nearing the detour of this life changing journey, just as many will begin it, and others continue to travel it. I am grateful, a little bit apprehensive, very exhausted and quite relieved.
As this chapter of the story of our lives comes to a close, we will begin the next chapter. What I learnt from this is the flow of flexibility, the power of presence, the embracing of unexpected, and life is in moments, thus the next chapter is vaguely planned out ready to write itself.
I have been trying to sift gently through my emotions and my thoughts but things have been shaken so it’s all a bit higgledy piggledy. Unedited.