Sifting through the feeling

Love Yourself Relentlessly

I had a little meltdown this morning when the dietician and TPN nurse came to talk about the nutrition plan for Dylan.

It’s not a new feeling, the slow build up of emotions, bubbling just below the surface, the heavy tightening of my chest, the solid lump in my throat, then the swelling pools of tears forming in my eyes and poof it all comes undone. 

It’s happened frequently and with very little immediate provocation, just a build up of a million little feelings, thoughts, experiences, wanting to be set free. It’s happened with all sorts of people in all sorts of places, at home, at the shopping center, at the checkout register, in my favorite alternative shop, in the hospital, in the hallway, at the reception desk, in my car, in the parking lot, in the change rooms, in public and alone in the dark. I’m used to it, I’m okay with it.

I have found the confrontation of witnessing this has been quite overwhelming for some people, I think that’s why I try to contain it at times, but it’s something that just comes out … When logical word patterns are replaced by deep heartfelt emotions.

So today with my visible distress came a collection of concerned questions, and visits, all well meaning and caring, possibly not necessary but thoughtful none the less. To be honest the visits actually interrupted my flow, the feelings were pouring out in a sensible order. I should be used to the constant interruptions and disruptions, but I suppose I am not, and picking up where I left off has proved challenging.

The feelings among other things that were building up included guilt, helplessness, sorrow, isolation, self worth, …. They needed acknowledgment and to be released.

It’s okay, I’m okay, life can be just as though as it can be beautiful, both sorrow and joy have that depth of emotion, both can be felt and expressed, both have their own value.

Honestly I think the level of my emotions is pretty standard considering the life experiences I am sharing currently. Besides Dylan’s current experiences, there are so many other children and families surrounding me in different stages of cancer, it has both its unique blessings coupled with challenges being here, my fathers illness is devastating and this week a friend passed away. And well with the Cancer full moon it was only natural that I allowed the cleansing to occur.

Not to mention it was Friday the 13th.

The twist in the tale – the full moon energy didn’t disappoint and delivered a very special gift to Dylan, all the way from his place of birth, from some of the first people to meet him. The energy contained in this package is incredible, it’s packed with powerful healing. You see universal law requires the vessel to be emptied to allow space for renewal, all in divine order, all is as it should be.


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