We huddle tightly below deck, while the ferocity of the storm rips relentlessly at our vessel. Battered continuously, whipped around like a rag doll there’s little we can do. Our control swept right from under us we are left clinging on to one another. Then, just as suddenly as this all began, there’s a break in the clouds, there’s an uneasy calm, an almost sickening stillness. We are left bobbing in a very vast ocean, quite unsure of any direction.
The few things that keep us afloat during the brutality of this …. Limitless courage, unconditional acceptance, surrendered trust, total presence, and of course love. These things remain with us.
There’s never been a need to pray, there’s always been an unusual sense of peace, amid the vast array of emotions, displayed openly, peace has remained a constant companion.
Today I find myself in the uneasy state of the unknown as well as the depleting feelings of disappointment and loss, holding my breath while I wait to be pulled out of murky putrid water.
The events of this whole year have been injected with such a variety of conflicting emotions, even the death of my father was smothered in a deep sense of sadness but also a sense relief, his very sever suffering was brief, his loss is felt and will remain along with the lifetime of memories, some funny, some sad, some angry, some happy, all loving.
Dylan’s treatment is finished, we are so grateful, we have learnt so much. But I feel
such a sense of loss that Dylan will not be starting school tomorrow along with his peers. Instead, he will be tested, tested to see if there is any spread of this cancer, tested to see if his lungs and heart have been damaged from the treatment for this cancer, it brings home the ruthlessness of cancer, how disruptive this is, how much it takes.
The flight I have booked will remain a potential not a certainty until Dylan’s test results from this weeks tests are revealed. It’s been such a relentless journey, the scars remain, the uncertainty is heavy. Our direction forward will be dictated very much by what’s revealed on Friday.
Plans may have been made, all the processes are being done, now I must gracefully surrender and wait.
We wait, and wait and wait.
I know that life happens in a moment.