Journal Entry – Lost

5 May 2017

The curtains come down and the mic has been dropped, lights switched of and the seats been emptied. In the darkness, the silence is profound, this show is far from over.

Today I had a meltdown right there in front of the middle school team leader. I was there to discuss pathways for Dylan’s education, to see what we could do to get him back to school. There was no significant reason for my emotional state today. In fact we have just had his three month oncology check up and got the fantastic news of a clear MRI. I should be happy, calm, relaxed, I mean it’s been a hell of a year, and its over, so I should definitely be feeling okay. 

Well here’s the thing, I feel overwhelmed with the uncertainty, I feel lost in the system that doesn’t have one set of easy to find and follow rules, I feel disappointed and isolated, I am so exhausted, I’m so frustrated that there’s no answers or solutions to Dylan’s vomiting …. Except time it seems.

I feel like I was coping better when things were worse, when there was chaos and now I feel a little bit lost. I can’t go back to what I knew and where I was before this all began, and I’m not quite sure which direction to go in at all right now. I feel like I should be moving, doing something, going some where ….
Perhaps I need to be still, to stop and allow for the gentle flow to take me.

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