Journal Entry – Struggle

9 May 2017

My heart is pounding, I feel flustered, I’m swallowed by anxiety and drowning in desperation, my breathing is rapid, I’m struggling to open my eyes. Surrounded in stillness I gaze into the darkness, my eyes now open pooling with tears, my breath calms as I become fully awake, I realize it was just a nightmare as my mind flips through the scenes, I feel it on a whole other level, this time more real, as my heart begins to ache.

That’s how I feel, as the adrenaline, the survival mode gets switched off, I’m struggling with the emotional toll of the past year. I was told about this period, when things change, and you’re left alone to pick up the pieces of a life that have been left shattered and unattended and try to fit them into this altered place, I thought I was prepared, I wasn’t.

Through my own ignorance I believed I knew what this would be like, and how to handle it, now through experience I know that this is something that needs to unravel, in its own way and in its own time, nothing can prepare you for this, I don’t think you are meant to be prepared, I think it’s meant to be lived as each moment unfolds.

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