16 May 2017
Wide eyed and rapid breath, backed up into a corner. Like an animal trapped fearing for its life, that’s what I’ve been feeling like. I woke up this morning to an answer, finally. It’s been fear that’s been my constant companion, lurking in the shadows, unseen and unheard, but leading my every thought, feeling and decision. Continue reading “Journal Entry – Fear”→
My heart is pounding, I feel flustered, I’m swallowed by anxiety and drowning in desperation, my breathing is rapid, I’m struggling to open my eyes. Surrounded in stillness I gaze into the darkness, my eyes now open pooling with tears, my breath calms as I become fully awake, I realize it was just a nightmare as my mind flips through the scenes, I feel it on a whole other level, this time more real, as my heart begins to ache.
I didn’t sleep well last night, my mind possessed by thoughts of the past years journey. Images of incredible moments, some swaddled in pain and others swollen with pride. So many diverse emotions, some feelings of utter helplessness and others feelings of deep appreciation. Much I thought I knew, reshaped, released or reviewed.
“It’s been an honor Dad.
Today we are Celebrating a life well lived
He was loud
Funny and friendly
He was so loved
And he will be very fondly remembered.
Generous, a joker and so helpful, he accepted you as is ……”
We huddle tightly below deck, while the ferocity of the storm rips relentlessly at our vessel. Battered continuously, whipped around like a rag doll there’s little we can do. Our control swept right from under us we are left clinging on to one another. Then, just as suddenly as this all began, there’s a break in the clouds, there’s an uneasy calm, an almost sickening stillness. We are left bobbing in a very vast ocean, quite unsure of any direction.
The few things that keep us afloat during the brutality of this …. Limitless courage, unconditional acceptance, surrendered trust, total presence, and of course love. These things remain with us. Continue reading “Today”→
Hate is such a strong word … One I don’t like to use … But seriously … I absolutely hate that my normal is supporting my son while he vomits, I hate that he is so critically thin, that the treatments I sign him up for damage parts of his delicate body, I hate that I am so helpless and I hate that I am angry.
I am so exhausted.
I hate feeling this aching in my chest.
Fuck cancer !
I love being honest.