Reaching out

I so often read those ‘copy me and share’ Facebook posts about being available to help, about reaching out for help. I wonder how much weight is in that, I wonder how many people reach out when they need to. I know I struggled to ask for help, and so often I go to an auto response of ‘great thanks, how are you’. I rarely do that now days. I’m much more raw, naked and open … It’s not hard to know how I am feeling if you ask. It was Dylan’s challenging health journey that tipped me over the edge.

When worlds crumble

That Monday, a year ago, while I sat patiently waiting for Dylan to finish having the MRI cancer was the furthest thing from my mind. It wasn’t long that our entire world was left in uncertainty and disarray. An hour or so to be precise. 

Journal Entry – Fear

16 May 2017
Wide eyed and rapid breath, backed up into a corner. Like an animal trapped fearing for its life, that’s what I’ve been feeling like. I woke up this morning to an answer, finally. It’s been fear that’s been my constant companion, lurking in the shadows, unseen and unheard, but leading my every thought, feeling and decision.

Journal entry – Between the space

11 May 2017

Today I am grateful for those who have witnessed my truth, encouraged my authenticity and supported my vulnerability. Those who acknowledge others journeys no matter how rough and tumbled it may be are what I am grateful for. And I am grateful for the experiences which have allowed for my unraveling to open to more love and more empathy. 

Journal Entry – Struggle

9 May 2017

My heart is pounding, I feel flustered, I’m swallowed by anxiety and drowning in desperation, my breathing is rapid, I’m struggling to open my eyes. Surrounded in stillness I gaze into the darkness, my eyes now open pooling with tears, my breath calms as I become fully awake, I realize it was just a nightmare as my mind flips through the scenes, I feel it on a whole other level, this time more real, as my heart begins to ache.

Journal Entry – Lost

5 May 2017

The curtains come down and the mic has been dropped, lights switched of and the seats been emptied. In the darkness, the silence is profound, this show is far from over.

Today I had a meltdown

Journal Entry – Fleeting moments

28 April 2017

I didn’t sleep well last night, my mind possessed by thoughts of the past years journey. Images of incredible moments, some swaddled in pain and others swollen with pride. So many diverse emotions, some feelings of utter helplessness and others feelings of deep appreciation. Much I thought I knew, reshaped, released or reviewed.

Just fleeting moments in the average life,

Journal Entry -Frustration

19 April 2017

This is all so frustrating. I feel so powerless. Trying to navigate through a system with no structure, to find answers to questions I don’t know, to find a normal where there’s no parameters, feeling helpless and isolated in a crowded world.

Time

That day on the 3rd of May.

What are the odds.

It’s hard to believe we have Dylan’s three month check up coming up, exactly a year after his first visit to the doctor, with symptoms of headaches and vomiting, really thinking nothing serious was wrong. The first thing the doctor had said when seeing Dylan was “maybe his fringe is too long” , you know maybe his hair was in his face making him get headaches….. Boy was that far from the reality.

Life

Just a quick update. The time just seems to fly by.
Three months ago, Dylan still in hospital having transfusions, on TPN feeds, still
struggling to recover from chemotherapy and my dad dying, it was quite a horrendous time.